I got upset last night. I'm reading the book, "the gilda stories" for the second time and in it, there's a woman who dies. I got upset because my grandfather is in the hospital. I started thinking about how old he is, how he's been through so much... how he's already had triple bypass heart surgery, and now he might need a pacemaker. He turned 91 a few days ago. I forgot his birthday. He was in the hospital for his birthday.

My choices make it impossible for me to be there, for me to visit him in the hospital, to see my grandmother, to give her a hug, to just be there.

I'm stressed out about him, I'm stressed out about money, I'm worried I won't have money for rent. That I'll have to beg someone, ask someone for help. I refuse to ask for help. I'm a taurus, I'm stubborn.