three little things

1. I've started knitting for the holidays. With people leaving starbucks, the fall weather starting to invade florida, and my deep need for fingerless gloves. I need smaller needles or bulk weight yarn for what I'm doing though.

2. I've limited my online gaming time to at night. I want to read my lobster book and knit and be in the real world sometimes.

3. Buying things towards a good cause. I bought my mother a Product Red ipod for her birthday. She's taking my to the gap to get some product RED clothing and other clothing because I want to look more professional and neat.

I have an idea for a photo project, but I can't fully achieve it alone, I don't think...
I might try it this weekend. I have friday off.

I want to do a self portrait study but just of my face. Sarah's work has inspired me a lot,
mostly because it takes a lot for a photographer to look inside themselves and do self portraits.
We as photographers [I think] have this 'always behind the camera, never in front' attitude or perception.

I know that I feel that way, and I would like to do something on it.
I can be vain, and I do take pictures of myself, but they're always posed, and edited and to my liking.
But what if it was many smaller images of parts of your face all put together.
The fine details exposed, every pore, every zit, every blackhead.

we'll see what happens, or what comes out.

for sarah:

Here It Goes Again mix

Sigur Ros mix

I will email you the playlists when I get home tonight.

road taken

I took a road trip on Monday along US 17. I seem to always find the most interesting things along 17. I found a road-side stand called the Down Home Market, which specializes in vine ripe tomatoes. So I got out my holga (after asking if it was alright) and started snapping away.

this is what turned out, or at least a few select ones. this week I'll keep updating with all 12 frames that turned out beautifully.

this will also be shown in jacksonville as a series sometime in the next 2 months at the Starbucks on Hodges and JTB. I'm putting together a little photo show, that should be pretty exciting.

life wise, things are okay. I'm working a ton and never have time to stop and think. I'll be in savannah at the beginning of September to help Colleen move our stuff into a new apartment and pay the last month of rent at the Duffy place.
Should you like to hang out feel free to contact me. I should have a working phone then, if Sprint stops being an asshole.

things have changed greatly.

firstly, this isn't my photograph. it's from newsweek.

I'm not always one to get involved in politics, especially war politics. But I feel like this is important, and because Marta has opened my eyes about what's going on in the west bank between the israelis and the palestinians, and now the lebanese. It amazes me how the US government supports the Israelis through both of these problems. Countless civilians are being murdered in both cases.... and for what?

this is me.

better late than never, right?

the week of the tibetan monks stay in savannah. this is all from the closing ceremony of the sand mandala at the jepson center, and river street. After the ceremony at the jepson center, they walked with horns and drum and chants down to the river and let out a part of the mandala into the river (into the world).

I wanted to get better pictures, but it was so crowded that it was difficult to find a great spot for photos. I did what I could, and at least I have a photographic memory since my own is terrible.


I'm moving in less than 2 days. Friday around 3pm, I'll be making my drive with my life (minus my love) in my car down to jacksonville. I'm a mix of emotions... sad, hopeful, scared. I hate thinking about not being with colleen every day. She has been my life for 5 months now... almost six.
She is who I want to come home to, who I want to wake up next to every morning and fall asleep with every night. These next 6 months - year are going to be difficult. I'm prepared for that. I know I need this help, this time to ground my feet and get myself figured out. But I'm hoping I don't lose myself in this, that I don't let them manipulate me or convince me I'm now who I am. I am Jackson. I am trans, but that doesn't make me the person I am today. I am an artist, a computer nerd, a hopeless romantic, a girly boy wonder, a papa to my kitten noah, a boyfriend to my girlfriend, a partner in crime, and so much more.

shut your eyes and sing to me

i am a pyromaniac at heart, and the fourth of july is my favorite holiday for that reason. I love setting off fireworks. When I was little, I wanted to be a pyrotechnic... I wanted to take chemistry and major in pyrotechnics in college and be a professional fireworks person.

my mom and I played with sparklers, they got the best photos. we set off bottle rockets with the blow torch, and finally my favorite... mortars. They look like the big professional fireworks you see... loud booms into the air followed by a shower of colorful lights. I could watch fireworks for hours and be perfectly content. The chemistry and physics amaze me... I want to know the combination of metals and compounds that make the brilliant red or royal blue...

but this visit wasn't all fun and games. I had a big talk with all of my family members, and decided it was time to make the move. I will be moving to jacksonville in two weeks, for probably about a year or so... I'm not sure how long. maybe less who knows. I'm going to go to school at UNF, get my core classes (art history) out of the way, maybe take religion or something that inspires me, and figure myself out and get grounded. I'm struggling... drowning in financial issues up here right now, and this is a good answer. I'll spend time with my grandparents... they're getting old, especially my gramps. I'll knit with my granny, play hide and seek with the twins, get a good job, and get my life sorted out.

I think it will be good. and you're all invited to come visit, as I will be visiting savannah on a regular basis. colleen and i are still going strong, and we will be as long as we're still madly in love.

I haven't been posting photgraphy as of late... especially anything for art's sake... I apologize. I'm in a photographic funk, that I can't seem to get out of...

new bike...

so... today was quite the ordeal.

first, I worked at the trade center for a RC&D council convention (conservationists across the country, basically)...
I got yelled at, at work for going outside for 5 minutes to pick up my paycheck from MY boss... but because I was working at the trade center, therefore for the trade center, I got unnecessarily bitched at.

After that ordeal, I talked to my mom, which was nice. She's doing better, still recovering from surgery. While I was talking to my mom, and searching for my bike... (my roommates crappy bike) It's nowhere to be found. NOWHERE. I try to call her... nothing. I left a message saying I really needed to talk to her. I locked the bike up with her chain in front of the city building on Bay St. (and Bull).. like I do everyday when I have her bike. Do I feel like I need to repay her? Not really... it wasn't a great bike. It was from target or walmart or equally cheap. rusted. her lock. While I do feel really bad, and it's a shitty thing to have happen, it's honestly not my fault. I didn't steal the bike. Someone else did.

While I was talking to my mom, I told her that for my birthday I could really use a better bike. We've been having trouble for months finding a 20D because they don't make them anymore... and they wanted to find something under $1000. (Which wasn't working.. )

So I went to the bicycle link downtown, but they didn't have my size in the bike I wanted (turns out, the guy had me in a bike too big for me there...) so we went to the southside store. The guy there was so much nicer, much more helpful, and I found a bike. My bike. A Trek 1200. She rides like a dream. I took her for a 5 mile ride tonight because I couldn't wait until the morning.

she is incredible. and amazing. and I'm so excited that I have a bike that works well and that I love to ride.

I got some good lights and a computer for her. I'd like to keep track of the miles, and it's nice to have it on there... especially with the clock. I also got a really good kryptonite lock. U lock with a thick steel cable. I will be wrapping the cable through the quick release tires, and then through the u lock with will cover the frame. go me. and my loving parents. (i know... it's kind of messed up. but they are trying in some ways)

the adventures of partners in crime

I was told to take pictures, so I'm trying. But I'm afraid I'm in a photographic funk... and this funk has lasted since the last class I took. I carry a camera around, and yet nothing comes of it.

now, thanks to www.godhatesfags.com and the westboro baptist church,
you too can listen to Fred Phelps' sermons!

they are apparently smart enough to make their own podcasts.
http://www.godhatesfags.com/podcasts/podcasts.html

and... because this cracks me up to no end...
they have a page dedicated to the amount of time Diane Whipple (woman who was killed by two dogs) has been in hell. Here's a quote, "Sharon Smith (the dead dyke's lover) and Penny Whipple-Kelly (the dead dyke's guilty, dyke-pimp, mother-from-Hell) need a reality check."

say what...? her dyke-pimp? we have pimps? our mothers are pimps? what?

yeah. reality check. okay.

there's a whole slew of stuff going on in my head...
I don't really know where to start. But should you like to know, just ask.

students charged over pot brownies
"..The FBI investigated because the case involved a contamination of the food supply at a school. A joint terrorism task force found that terrorism was not involved, but determined the muffins contained marijuana and turned up a surveillance video of the delivery...."

"..Dallas County prosecutors are seeking an upgrade to the charges that could raise the maximum sentence to 20 years, district attorney spokeswoman Rachel Raya said."

okay people... some teenage punks spiked some brownies for their teachers, trying to get a laugh. Are they terrorists?! fuck no. Are they dumb? very much so. Do they deserve 20 years in prison?? not on your life. This is ridiculous. It's a senior prank that got out of hand. Not some kids trying to blow up a building, the school, or giving death threats.

calm down, america.

I find myself listening to deftones and sleater-kinney. Music has always been something that fits with my moods, and something I turn to instead of people to understand what this mood or feeling is that I'm in.
I'm tired of being in this funk/fuck-if-i-know/punch-something kind of a mood. I'm also no longer in the mood to print, and I need to.

my grandfather is still in the hospital. he doesn't need a pacemaker, but they're still waiting for his blood pressure and heart rate to get a little better before they discharge him. He's been in there for almost a weeek.

yesterday and today all I seem to be able to ask myself is, Why am I here?
these lyrics seem fitting... if nothing else, keeps me in this weird mood.
"This town don't feel mine
I'm fast to get away (far)"

bikes

I want this bike. It's an iron horse 52cm road bike. and I want it for my very own. I'm trying to sell my bmx bike so I can pay rent, and so I can get a road bike. I've been thinking about building a fixed gear or single speed when I have some money...
luckily, this is one of the cheaper bikes that I've found... $400. brand new. I'd put a computer on it, make it my baby.
I don't have very high hopes of selling the bmx, but I'll sure try....

I got upset last night. I'm reading the book, "the gilda stories" for the second time and in it, there's a woman who dies. I got upset because my grandfather is in the hospital. I started thinking about how old he is, how he's been through so much... how he's already had triple bypass heart surgery, and now he might need a pacemaker. He turned 91 a few days ago. I forgot his birthday. He was in the hospital for his birthday.

My choices make it impossible for me to be there, for me to visit him in the hospital, to see my grandmother, to give her a hug, to just be there.

I'm stressed out about him, I'm stressed out about money, I'm worried I won't have money for rent. That I'll have to beg someone, ask someone for help. I refuse to ask for help. I'm a taurus, I'm stubborn.

today is one of those days, i think. I know I need to keep looking for a job, and I know I have time to do it today, but I really am just in a funk. I'm not sure why I'm in such a funk. I think it started with my roommate telling me I have no right to tell her to not let lights stay on all night... apparently I do the same thing, but she's never brought it up before. ever.

I'm tired. I'm stressed out about money. I'm in a photographic rut, and I hate that a lot of my friends are leaving for the summer.

I'm going to work on my website this week. I'm also going to keep looking for a job, unless wasabi opens up, or Blaine's calls me. we'll see. but not today... I just don't feel good about today.

I found the negatives I was searching for, in my closet with other random photo stuff.

These are what I'll be printing this week for my grandmother. My grandfather is in the hospital right now, because his blood pressure dropped suddenly and his heart rate was somewhere around 50.

These are from a road trip last summer to South Carolina. I just got in the car with my old canon AE-1 and took pictures. I miss my car for that reason. I used to use driving as a stress reliever, something I could do to unwind. I miss that a lot.

I haven't been photographing as much as I'd like to. I've been worrying more about money and jobs and life, and how to not fuck up completely.

I'm not entirely sure how I'm going to survive, but as my love says, there's a good feeling, and everything will work itself out somehow. I just have to not worry myself to death.

mother's day weekend. this is my mom and my neice, macie. I am in love with her, and her twin brother Miles. They bring so much happiness in my life just be being them, but my decisions make it a lot harder to see them.

I told my mother I wasn't moving home in september. She doesn't think I know what I'm doing, doesn't think I fully understand what I'm going to go through with this and the debt I'm going to accrue. I'm well aware of what I'm doing. But I'm doing this for my happiness. I do miss hanging out with my family, I miss doing mom-daughter stuff like going to the mall, seeing movies, etc. But I wasn't that person most of the time. I was censoring myself around them.

I miss my childhood, I miss when things were simpler, when I was part of the cool kids' club, but I am not that person. I'm not as materialistic as they are, and my life isn't centered around money. My life is centered around love and happiness. And up here I'm in love, and I'm happy, and I'm starting my life. I know I'm stressed out sometimes about money, and a lot right now, but I am overall happy. Colleen is moving in, in 10 days or so. I'm excited about it. I'm excited about having the woman I love be in the same house, our house. I'm excited about starting my life with her. There is just so much love in our house.

but now, cheesecake. sarah came over for dinner, and we're watching my big fat greek wedding, and eating cheesecake. delicious.

more from the large format final. I have 256mb of pictures from mother's day weekend, but I haven't had the chance to upload them from my camera.
I got a 20D for my birthday, but it's not in stock right now, so it's not physically in my posession yet. YET!
The weekend was okay. I came out to my sister that lives in Colorado as being trans, she's completely proud of me and supports my decision to live my life 100%. We're black sheep of the family. We have to stick together.

I have pictures of the twins, in all their cuteness. When I left to go to the train station Macie said in a fit, "don't go goosey! don't go! Why do you have to go?!" She got upset when I left.

I miss them, and they alone would make me question going home, but I think once I have a good job, things will go back to normal, and I'll realize that I'm doing this for me, and only me. And that I need to be happy. And most of all, that this isn't selfish like my parents think.

we made dinner this weekend. my mom's recipe for "ian's chicken and pasta"... it's my brother's favorite. sauteed orange and yellow (or red) peppers and mushrooms, lemon and garlix marinated chicken, a light cream sauce, and whatever pasta you want. I added basil and parmesean on top. Colleen made the pasta and garlic bread. Both were perfect.

she's moving in at the end of the quarter, when natalie moves back home for the summer.

we got a cat yesterday. my friend amanda's cat, samoa. she's "docile", as natalie said. she just likes to roam, and roll around sometimes, especially when you pet her.

I finished the suicidegirls stuff, sent it off to jill.
I went job hunting this weekend and monday, still with no luck.

Today, I'm going to moon river and calling the guy at Wasabi. I'm also calling the carriage tours, because they're hiring and I love horses.

work.

more annieyrus from the large format final. I really like the set I have of anniey, because the colors and her attitude come out really well. someday, I'd like to continue this project with more people at the same spot, and with the 4x5.

so that's all for now. I leave you with this spoken word poem by sailor j.

There’s a spot just above her lip soft and true to the touch.
There’s a place on her chin that she shaved and her whiskers grew back not so girl thin.
There’s a time of night when she’ll take off her clothes and let anyone see,
And a time of night when he won’t.
There’s a day almost every week when she wouldn’t mind being a pretty girl.
There’s a club he goes out to where you can see him dancing all night with the girls there without being scared.
There’s a curve on his hip that she can’t stand to look at in the mirror.
There’s this look in the eyes of the people who meet her
And wonder
Because there’s this very strange rut called gender that she needed to get out of
And now all those eyes are watching him teeter on the edge,
There’s this hard to reach ledge where the world put a box of what they think of him
And labeled it with her name, and now she can’t seem to reach it
Even up on his toes,
Even in her old pointe shoes,
And it makes him collapse back in to her,
Afraid.
The world sees him and they want to know, “What to do you call that?”
And, “Stay away from it, kids.”
There’s a point in his life where she said, “I just don’t fit.”
And she took it all off right then.
There’s a man, by any definition, shadowing her girl, and a woman writhing inside her man.
There’s a highly raised eyebrow, and a role she can’t stand.
And there’s graffiti on the mirror, on the locker, on the bathroom door,
Circling his wrists, ankles, and neck.
There’s a place on his back, where, if you rested your hand
You would feel in the skin and the muscle, and in him
The need for another few words in this world to let us slide between boy and girl.
She is so himself, with my hand resting there,
Out of her short skirts and into the bare
And mommy tells little girl to keep her underwear on and how pretty she is,
A supermodel age four with her long, long hair and never to cut it and always to be sweet.
And to stay out of dirt.
There’s a very curt comment made by his dad when he ceased to understand her at all.
There is no spot on her body where she turns from boy to girl,
Every square inch of skin unfurled.
She is the boy who redefines free, no more butch than me,
Curled on his peak just above all the deep, false rules.

new and semi-old

yesterday, we had lunch at Soho before I was supposed to work. Luckily, I got out of working because I found out the new girl asked if she could just switch days because she had a "shoot thing"... my boss said "sure!" and I was fucked out of having my friday off. I had a "shoot thing" to do too, bitch ass.

anyway...
I had a delicious burger, we split a berry shortcake for dessert, and I'm loving my digital camera by my side.

I'm still pretty damn sick, and have actually gotten worse again. There's a barbeque this afternoon with most of the fun kids from work, which should be a great time.
I'm hosting at work all week, which will make me a raging bitch. Hopefully it won't affect anything else.


This is from the large format final. The lovely, Anniey Rus. posed for me out at osama's hideout, and I really really like what turned out from it.

I'll be posting more from this final as I scan them into my computer, and I'll continue to add new photos.



tomorrow, I'll put up whatever I get from the barbeque. Hopefully it'll be good. we'll see....